June 8, 2012...James and I got to see Baby Lyle at our 1st ultrasound. Baby was measuring 6 weeks, I however was 8 weeks...panic set in. We were quickly reassured that we could be off on our dates and that a follow-up ultrasound would be scheduled for the following week. Blood work was taken and James and I were sent home to wait. I still had all the symptoms of being pregnant...we held onto that and our faith.
June 13, 2012...My mom had flown in from Colorado and joined us for our 2nd ultrasound. As we watched the monitor we didn't see a heart beat and knew baby wasn't growing. We sat down with the doctor and discussed our options...surgery was scheduled for the next day. That night we received a call saying that my HCG levels were continuing to rise...there was hope - baby was holding on!! Surgery was cancelled and another ultrasound was scheduled.
June 18, 2012...Our 3rd (and final ultrasound). After 10 days, baby had made 1 days worth of growth. The doctor also informed us that my HCG levels had dropped drastically...Baby Lyle had stopped growing. Surgery was scheduled for the next day.
Sad...Angry...Scared...Guilt...Relief --- what emotion should we be feeling?! I was sad that I would never get to hold Baby Lyle. I was angry that God had taken my baby away. I was scared that the surgery would affect our chances of having more children. I felt guilty - had I caused harm to my baby when I fell or took my seizure meds? The craziest feeling though was relief...baby was no longer having to fight to survive.
June 19, 2012...Surgery went well. I went home to recover physically and emotionally. And Baby Lyle went to heaven --- God received a very special angel today.
I still feel sad, angry, scared, guilt and relief...but most of all I feel LOVE. While James and I don't have a baby to hug and kiss, we are still parents and a parents love is the greatest feeling ever.
We love you Baby Lyle
April - June 2012
Stephanie - thank you for sharing so honestly something so personal. I'm sorry for your loss. Seeing LOVE through the midst of your sadness is a great first step. We'll be praying for you and your family...and for Baby Lyle. Love from Brighton!
ReplyDeleteOh Steph, my heart is breaking for the two of you. And don't worry about what you SHOULD be feeling - you can feel however the hell you want. You did nothing wrong, and I pray that your heart knows that soon. Grieving with you.
ReplyDeleteLove Kellie
All those emotions--even the relief--are exactly what you should be feeling. It's a rollercoaster, and it's hard to go through! Remember this: God is big enough to handle our emotions. He is not surprised when we act, well--human. :) He understands more than you do what you are feeling. Love you honey....so sorry this has happened, and in such a difficult way too.
ReplyDeleteStephanie, I am a firm believer that we all come to earth to earn our wings. You're little one was blessed enough to have a Mother who is an angel herself, and so needed only to be with you a moment to understand what the rest of us take a life time to learn. This little angel knows the meaning of true love. Judy Kaya Born
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss. I had a similar miscarriage last spring, however I opted not to have a d&c and waited for my body to miscarry naturally. It is heartbreaking--but it does get better with time. You are in my thoughts and prayers and when the time is right I hope you are again blessed with a healthy pregnancy. I blogged about a song that brought me comfort after my loss.
ReplyDeletehttp://chocolatemilksmiles.blogspot.com/2011/05/hell-carry-you.html